Seething with cold hate, Louisa Jo Killen.
Sunday 28 February 2016
Friday 18 July 2014
I hardly imagine anyone will notice but I deleted everything that was on this blog. I hadn’t revisited it, the chances of me writing anything more are slim, and none of it was tremendously good anyway.
The truth is that being unemployed for over a year now and this gradual loss of my drive to write, and lots of other things, isn’t unconnected. I feel like I haven’t been able to stop myself from slipping into helplessness, and most days I feel at some point that I’ve fucked my life up at some point. It’ll be getting on for two months since I had a face to face conversation with one of the handful of friends who still live in my hometown; compared to last year when I was out for a lot of nights over the summer this is a marked decline. There are other things too; somebody I hold dear in my life is very sick and I’m spending a lot of my time looking after them.
Loneliness is a big issue. Twitter helps quite a bit but it can’t change the fact I feel I can barely write or even read anything. When I think I turned out a number of (decent imo) essays for the decades blogs last year I feel sick that that seems so far beyond me right now. I volunteered for a charity and did work I was extremely proud of but now I avoid all contact with them. Everything I do feels like I’ve been wasting my time. Stuff like that.
I’ve decided that if nothing comes up by August I’ll reenrol at University and take a TEFL course and see where that leads me. I really don’t feel like I’ve got any more options left to me with the possibility of another year on the dole looming up.